Stolen : Through the Ages LOL

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house...You are hot, sweaty, and covered in dirt. You have your old work clothes on: shorts with a hole in the crotch, old T-shirt w/stains from who knows what. You realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to complete the jobby...

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex like a psycho on roids. You add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some psycho hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. You married the psycho hot chick, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Chickity-check yourself in the mirror...still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with. She's ready to dial 911 because you're wearing a Penn State shirt.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Wash your hands. Your bottle of the manly Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing . The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is pretty. You're just one step away from being called, "Sandusky".

Your 50's
Stop what you are doing, ole "One Foot in the Bucket". Put a hat on, baldy. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register doesn't shout for help when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from " Buddy's Bait Shop " and it says, "I Gots Worms ."

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your shorts . The girl running the register might be cute, but you don't have your glasses on, so you aren't sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drugstore has your prescriptions ready, too. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her creepy grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot, but end up at Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud, and think someone called out your name . You went to school with the old lady's grandfather who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why did Ross Perot choose me for V.P.? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Stolen : A New Wine For Senior Citizens

NEW Wine For Seniors!
I kid you not...

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as:
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PINO MORE!

Stolen : Kids Say the Darndest Things

Stolen : Once Upon a Time...

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut aboveTimothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
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"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!

STOLEN : Once Upon a Time...

Stolen : Dog Diary vs. Cat Diary

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and
I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and
dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into
their hearts,since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I
am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in
solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the
noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power
of "allergies."I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my
advantage.

This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again
tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more
than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards
regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for now ...

Cat

Stolen : Four Worms in Church

Four Worms In Church


Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive .


So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
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."As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


That pretty much ended the service!

Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
Please send this encouraging message to a friend...Just as I've done.

Funniest Sign

Another Funny Sign

Funny Sign

Stolen Joke 8/15/11 : 5 Surgeons Talking

Last week there was a Surgeon's conference in Baltimore. After the second day, 5 doctors from different parts of the USA became friends. They decided to have dinner together. That evening, after finishing their meal, they started talking shop while having their coffee. One of the topics of conversation was the various types of patients they had operated on.

The first, a California surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. "

The second, a Texas surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded. "

The third, an Oklahoman surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "

The fourth, an Florida surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But, the fifth, a Washington, D.C. surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: "

You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no testicles, no brains, and no spine, -- and the head and the anus are interchangeable.

Read more: http://goldensilents.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=ot&action=display&thread=13264&page=2#ixzz1V91FHfi7

Stolen Joke 8/3/11

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

A store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."


The patient replied, "Perfect.
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Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Read more: http://goldensilents.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=ot&action=display&thread=13264&page=1#ixzz1TzgGQcMy

A Modern Aesop's Fable

I hope I'm forgiven for stealing this!

Every day a small ant would arrive at work and start work immediately. He produced a lot and was very, very happy.

His boss, a lion, was surprised to see that the ant was working without supervision.

He thought if the ant can produce so much without supervision.
Wouldn't he produce even more if he had a supervisor.

So he recruited a cockroach who had extensive experience as a supervisor and who was renowned for writing excellent reports.

The cockroach's first decision was to install a time clock and monitor the ant's attendance.

He then hired a lady bug to help him write and type his reports. He also hired a spider to manage the archives and monitor all phone calls.

The lion was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs to illustrate production rates and to analyze trends, so that he could use them for presentations at the board meetings.

So the cockroach had to buy a new computer and printer and then hired a fly to manage the IT Department.

The ant, who had once been so productive and relaxed. Hated this new workload of paperwork and meetings which used up most of his time.

The lion decided that it was high time to appoint someone to supervise the department in which the ant worked.

The position was given to a stink bug. Whose first decision was to renovate his office with ergonomic furniture and new carpeting.

The new person in charge, the stink bug, also needed a new computer and a personal assistant, who he brought from his previous department. To help him prepare a 'Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimization Plan.

The department where the ant works has now become a sad place, where no one laughs anymore and everyone has become upset.

It was at this time that the stink bug convinced the boss, the lion, of the absolute necessity to start a climatic study of the work environment.

After reviewing the charges for running the ant's department. The lion found out that the production was much less than before.

So he hired an owl, a prestigious and renowned consultant to conduct an audit and suggest solutions.

The owl spent three months in the department and compiled a lengthy report in several volumes, that concluded:
The department is over staffed!

Guess who the lion fired first??
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The ant, of course, because he "showed lack of motivation and had a negative attitude!"

Read more: http://goldensilents.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=ot&thread=13742&page=1#ixzz1Q8ErneWM